MY SON BEFORE AND AFTER TWILIGHT

What have you done?!

A BLOOD-SUCKING HERITAGE

So, over lunch today, I told my 11 year-old daughter that she had to come see New Moon with me and Aunt Jean. "I have to?" she asked, with a wrinkled little Sophie brow.

Her teen-age brothers immediately interjected: "I'd like to see New Moon." "Yah, me too, I want to see it."

Look at what you've done to my kids! Mother of shame....

OXYTOCIN, WEREWOLVES, AND SPARKLEY VAMPIRES

I have the perfect answer to the question Team Jacob freaks are dying to ask:

Q: Why didn't Bella fall for Jacob instead of Edward?

A: The author, Stephanie Meyer, didn't write that into the books.

Now that REALITY is out of the way, I will share with you, Dearest Addict, the real reason behind Bella's lack of obsession over Jacob....

Deep within the study of human biology we discover oxytocin, a hormone secreted by the pituitary gland that stimulates contraction of the uterus and milk production in pregnant and nursing women. It also is released during orgasm in BOTH sexes. Studies show that it is also released by ANYONE who holds a baby. It has been dubbed the "human bonding hormone, " and is largely responsible for the mother/child bonding right after labor and during breastfeeding, AND THE BONDING THAT OCCURS BETWEEN A WOMAN AND A MAN (OR WEREWOLF, OR VAMPIRE) DURING AND AFTER ORGASM.

Bella's obsession with Edward is nothing more than puppy love, as far as I can tell. She's not old enough, experienced enough, or self-aware enough to KNOW what true love is. Jacob's obsession with Bella is the same kind of "love:" in short, immature. But Jacob would so capture Bella's heart, or at least her devotion, easily and completely, if he would just bang her.

Why? Because women release more oxytocin during an orgasm than men release, which is one reason why more men than women can handle wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am sex and not bond to their partner as strongly as women do. Come on, all women reading this who have "known" men know this to be true. And what's worse is that the longer you've "known" someone, the more difficult it becomes, physically, to break the oxytocin addiction.

I don't think Ms. Meyer knew much about oxytocin when she wrote New Moon. Or maybe she knew but didn't care.

Anyway, scientifically, all Jacob needs to do to win Bella is to get into her pants, and then she'd bond to him more than sparkley Edward. And it would be an actual chemical bond to him, very much an addiction. Jacob would be her drug. And then Bella would be a Jacob junkie and then I could enable her addiction by my co-dependent nature!

Science rules.

Now it makes me wonder why a couple of my female relatives are so taken by Edward...maybe they "know" something I don't....Or maybe the theatres put Pitocin (brand name of synthetic oxytocin used to stimulate contractions) in their sodas or sprinkle it on the popcorn, so all movie-goers bond to Edward. Either way, they're total junkies.

That's OK. I'm here to enable, er, I mean, "help."

So leave work early and go see New Moon again. I'll cover for ya.

SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIPS

I really don't want your addiction to Edward to end; that would shake my reality as an enabler to the core, and then where would I be?

A lost co-dependent with no one to enable, that's where. I might start handing out quarters to the bums at 36th and State, or running to the liquor store myself to buy them some Wild Turkey. That's not safe for me, nor will it help the poor drunks sober up. So, for my sake, as well as the sobriety of the transient population at 36th and State, please continue your addiction. It's best for us all.

Anyway, I wonder if you have seen New Moon more than once since its release last Friday? Repeating an addictive behavior over and over until it adversely affects your day-to-day life is paramount to continuing and increasing the power of your addiction.

So, I suggest you please go see it again (and again). I'll tell you that it's not good for you, of course, but I'll call your boss to cover for you if you go see the late showing and then fail to make it to work on time the next morning. I'll make excuses to those nearest and dearest to you, to cover your lack of attention to their needs. I'll even water your plants and take out the trash for you.

An addict needs an addiction. A co-dependent needs to enable the addict. Let's stick together.

NEW MOON SQUARED

For all Edwardian sleepy addicted types, I'm telling you to get up and call your sister in Boise, who so desires to hear about your film fest last night/this morning and I NEED to know the plot and all it's twisted, bloody, melodramatic components. My inner child is crying out...my spleen is swelling due to the tension! Out with it! Out out with the dam-med plot!

Ahem. A quick refresher English course, with thanks to Ms. Hughes from MHS.

1. The introduction of the story, characters, setting, basic plot, yada yada
2. The rising action
3. The climax (as in Fleance flew, from Macbeth, courtesy of Mrs. Chavez)
4. The denouement (look it up, it's French)
5. Fin (nothing fishy about this, it's French for The End).

Pick up the phone and CALL ME. I'll make you snacks!!! I'll serve them to you on a pretty tray....

By ignoring me, you're damaging my inner child....

CALL ME PLEASE!!

'TIS THE SEASON

As you are well aware, there are only TWO more shopping days until New Moon release.

It behooves the recovering addict (or addict-in-denial) to bestow gifts of gratitude and peace on those she loves. Of course, one must purchase the same gift for herself, all in the name of recovery, mind you.

I'm thinking something like this:

THE NEW EDWARDIAN ERA

So, I'm curious as to how many times during a typical day my readers think about Edward? One would suppose, given the intensity and depth of your addiction, that pervasive thoughts of dear Edward consume the majority of available brain synapses.

I daresay that you are not alone. An evening jaunt through your nearest bookstore will prove that countless others share your affliction: New Moon, Twilight, and Eclipse books, tote bags, and umbrellas displayed in all their darkish splendor on their own endcaps AND the books displayed in bloody stacks on the shelves too.

I wonder if this American Edwardian obsession has jumped the pond?

Perhaps it has:

FIRST STEP TOWARDS SOBRIETY

As with any recovery program, the Edward addict must begin by seeking recovery one day at a time. For those afflicted, sometimes one day is too long. For my Seattle relatives severely afflicted with this disease, I suggest a smaller time frame to seek sobriety: ten minutes.

The beauty of ten minute sobriety lies in its accessibility: everyone can carry on a conversation with a coworker for ten minutes and NOT talk about Edward. Everyone can step onto a bus and locate a seat and pick up their phone to text their sponsor in ten minutes. Everyone can collect the day's mail, sort the junk from the bills, and recycle the paper in ten minutes without thinking about Edward (unless you just received a pencil drawing of Edward in the mail from your 11 year-old niece, in which case the pre-teen is only feeding your addiction, following in her co-dependent mother's footsteps).

This small but powerful ten-minute time frame holds the seeds of clean and sober living. Embrace it.

WELCOME ALL EDWARD FANS!

A hearty welcome to all my beyond-obsessed relatives! I have created this blog especially for you: a way for us to communicate about the object of your obsession, and for me to help you through the challenges of adressing your delusional preoccupation with a fictitional vampire with big hair.

Being a recovering co-dependent myself, I have little hope that you will overcome your addiction, but I will heartily attempt to aid in your recovery (while feeding--pardon the pun--my own co-dependent need to enable you).

So pull up a swooning sofa, kick off your shoes, and let's toast to a long and satisfying Edward addiction and non-recovery! Cheers!