Friday, December 25, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
THE LITTLE MERMAID, MY GRAND-STUDENT, AND BABY NAMES
I just got a Christmas card from a former student. She was like the little sister I left back home when I moved to Hawaii to teach. She and I experienced Europe together in 1996 when I took a group of five students on a week-long tour. She was the funnest of the five.
We have fond memories of dancing around Paris doing the can-can, eating hot crepes au chocolat from a street vendor, watching the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, and flirting with assorted continental men (for me) and Irish boys (for her) at the top of the Eiffel tower.
Now she's a wife and mom. She has two sons and is expecting a baby in February, and, she tells me in her Christmas card, it's a girl!
"What the heck does this have to do with Twilight?" you ask.
To answer that, I have to tell you this: Do you remember when The Little Mermaid cartoon hit theatres? Within a few years, the girl name "Ariel" became popular among newborn mermaids, where only a few years before it had languished in obscurity.
If you have no children, may I ask if you've named any houseplants Ariel...?
Anyway, back to my student who's pregnant and what it has to do with Twilight.
She's naming her daughter Bella.
We have fond memories of dancing around Paris doing the can-can, eating hot crepes au chocolat from a street vendor, watching the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, and flirting with assorted continental men (for me) and Irish boys (for her) at the top of the Eiffel tower.
Now she's a wife and mom. She has two sons and is expecting a baby in February, and, she tells me in her Christmas card, it's a girl!
"What the heck does this have to do with Twilight?" you ask.
To answer that, I have to tell you this: Do you remember when The Little Mermaid cartoon hit theatres? Within a few years, the girl name "Ariel" became popular among newborn mermaids, where only a few years before it had languished in obscurity.
If you have no children, may I ask if you've named any houseplants Ariel...?
Anyway, back to my student who's pregnant and what it has to do with Twilight.
She's naming her daughter Bella.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
TWINKLE TWINKLE
It occurred to me that vampires don't need to wear eye shadow, due to the sparkly nature of their skin in the sunlight.
I have therefore surmised that I am not a vampire.
But I could be wrong.
I have therefore surmised that I am not a vampire.
But I could be wrong.
Friday, December 4, 2009
SNIPS AND SNAILS REVISITED
It's only fair to my son to list the ways he is not like Edward, in case that girl from zoology class is reading this. Yes he memorized your phone number, and yes, he will call you again.
HOW TO BE A TRUE TEENAGE IDAHOAN
1. Laugh at and consider beating child beaters.
2. Cut your own hair. Have Mom trim around the ears.
3. Laugh when you fart.
4. Fart.
5. Speak like Puff Daddy because you are black by choice. Tell all your teachers that you are.
6. Feed your rabbit Dove chocolate and Twinkies. Eat the leftovers.
7. Talk about killing people, especially child beaters.
8. Open doors at restaurants for your family and little old ladies.
9. Stare into the tv while playing Halo and eating generic chicken soup straight from the can.
10. Be polite when asking Mom if she will drive you to the movie theater.
11. Be respectful of your brother's mental instability and make fun of him only when you're really mad at him.
12. Remind everyone close to you why you were admitted, twice, to psychiatric hospitals (homicidal ideations).
13. Pay very very very close attention to Star Wars.
14. Be very interested in it.
15. Don't let anything distract you except bugs and your sister's low-rider house cat.
16. Wear button-up shirts, khakis, and size 13 running shoes.
17. Wear a black fleece jacket so that your doting, motherly teachers will help you remove the cat hair with masking tape wound around their hands.
18. Grab the butcher knife and run outside at 1 a.m. when your Mom tells you she heard a noise.
19. Have a bunion.
20. Know how to fire a Glock 18 and do it with style.
HOW TO BE A TRUE TEENAGE IDAHOAN
1. Laugh at and consider beating child beaters.
2. Cut your own hair. Have Mom trim around the ears.
3. Laugh when you fart.
4. Fart.
5. Speak like Puff Daddy because you are black by choice. Tell all your teachers that you are.
6. Feed your rabbit Dove chocolate and Twinkies. Eat the leftovers.
7. Talk about killing people, especially child beaters.
8. Open doors at restaurants for your family and little old ladies.
9. Stare into the tv while playing Halo and eating generic chicken soup straight from the can.
10. Be polite when asking Mom if she will drive you to the movie theater.
11. Be respectful of your brother's mental instability and make fun of him only when you're really mad at him.
12. Remind everyone close to you why you were admitted, twice, to psychiatric hospitals (homicidal ideations).
13. Pay very very very close attention to Star Wars.
14. Be very interested in it.
15. Don't let anything distract you except bugs and your sister's low-rider house cat.
16. Wear button-up shirts, khakis, and size 13 running shoes.
17. Wear a black fleece jacket so that your doting, motherly teachers will help you remove the cat hair with masking tape wound around their hands.
18. Grab the butcher knife and run outside at 1 a.m. when your Mom tells you she heard a noise.
19. Have a bunion.
20. Know how to fire a Glock 18 and do it with style.
HOW TO LOSE WOMEN AND INFLUENCE THE COURT SYSTEM
Edward Cullen has many characteristics that make him desireable to women of all ages.
However, I am not all ages. I am co-dependent. And as such, I feel inspired by a reader comment from yesterday's post to outline a few steps for teen-age boys who aspire to the foil of Edward Cullen's character (i.e. all the men I've dated and or loved up to this point).
TIPS FOR TEENAGE BOYS WHO WANT TO ATTRACT A DOORMAT
1. Brood and drink heavily.
2. Shave off your hair.
3. Don't make fart jokes in front of your Mom.
4. Fart.
5. Use the accent from whatever cultural heritage from which you hail. The more incomprehensible you are, the sexier.
6. Be a loner at home; sleep around outside the home.
7. Work on improving your inborn angst, especially by ignoring your lady's advances.
8. Get arrested. Any crime will do.
9. Stare into the mirror and tell yourself how studly you are.
10. Be polite to everyone except your lady.
11. Be respectful of your truck.
12. Be so dangerous that people with sense avoid you.
13. Pay very very very close attention to the wart on your hand.
14. Be very very interested in it.
15. Don't let anything distract you from clipping your toenails in the living room.
16. Wear torn jeans, a wife-beater shirt, and no deodorant.
17. Pee on the wall when you're drunk.
18. Be concerned about hiding your violence from your lady's family and friends. Stash your porn in your truck.
19. Abstain from sex with your wife.
20. Be protective of your mess. Punch holes in walls if necessary.
Oh Edward!!!!!
However, I am not all ages. I am co-dependent. And as such, I feel inspired by a reader comment from yesterday's post to outline a few steps for teen-age boys who aspire to the foil of Edward Cullen's character (i.e. all the men I've dated and or loved up to this point).
TIPS FOR TEENAGE BOYS WHO WANT TO ATTRACT A DOORMAT
1. Brood and drink heavily.
2. Shave off your hair.
3. Don't make fart jokes in front of your Mom.
4. Fart.
5. Use the accent from whatever cultural heritage from which you hail. The more incomprehensible you are, the sexier.
6. Be a loner at home; sleep around outside the home.
7. Work on improving your inborn angst, especially by ignoring your lady's advances.
8. Get arrested. Any crime will do.
9. Stare into the mirror and tell yourself how studly you are.
10. Be polite to everyone except your lady.
11. Be respectful of your truck.
12. Be so dangerous that people with sense avoid you.
13. Pay very very very close attention to the wart on your hand.
14. Be very very interested in it.
15. Don't let anything distract you from clipping your toenails in the living room.
16. Wear torn jeans, a wife-beater shirt, and no deodorant.
17. Pee on the wall when you're drunk.
18. Be concerned about hiding your violence from your lady's family and friends. Stash your porn in your truck.
19. Abstain from sex with your wife.
20. Be protective of your mess. Punch holes in walls if necessary.
Oh Edward!!!!!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
SNIPS AND SNAILS...
My oldest son and I were having a discussion on Edward Cullen's qualities, which I KNOW my readers will appreciate. I sadly have little appreciation for that, uh, level of studliness, having come of age in an era between Wham! and Bel Biv Devoe. But back to my son....
Like all teen-age boys who are not vampires, my son has a self-image as fragile as the skin that lies between Edward's fangs and his Most Desired's aorta. To think that there are millions of Edward fans out there drooling over that pale and tragic vampire, while my son sits at home alone on most evening finally got to him. "I don't know what they see in him! He's...gross!"
"Well, you're not a teen-age girl, and a lot of them really like his looks." I responded
Poor kid stood their silent for a brief second, and finally, in an attempt to preserve his own self-image and with the competitive spirit indwelling all males of our species, my oldest son sputtered, "I've got a bunion. I bet HE doesn't have one."
No indeed, he does not.
Like all teen-age boys who are not vampires, my son has a self-image as fragile as the skin that lies between Edward's fangs and his Most Desired's aorta. To think that there are millions of Edward fans out there drooling over that pale and tragic vampire, while my son sits at home alone on most evening finally got to him. "I don't know what they see in him! He's...gross!"
"Well, you're not a teen-age girl, and a lot of them really like his looks." I responded
Poor kid stood their silent for a brief second, and finally, in an attempt to preserve his own self-image and with the competitive spirit indwelling all males of our species, my oldest son sputtered, "I've got a bunion. I bet HE doesn't have one."
No indeed, he does not.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
A BLOOD-SUCKING HERITAGE
So, over lunch today, I told my 11 year-old daughter that she had to come see New Moon with me and Aunt Jean. "I have to?" she asked, with a wrinkled little Sophie brow.
Her teen-age brothers immediately interjected: "I'd like to see New Moon." "Yah, me too, I want to see it."
Look at what you've done to my kids! Mother of shame....
Her teen-age brothers immediately interjected: "I'd like to see New Moon." "Yah, me too, I want to see it."
Look at what you've done to my kids! Mother of shame....
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
OXYTOCIN, WEREWOLVES, AND SPARKLEY VAMPIRES
I have the perfect answer to the question Team Jacob freaks are dying to ask:
Q: Why didn't Bella fall for Jacob instead of Edward?
A: The author, Stephanie Meyer, didn't write that into the books.
Now that REALITY is out of the way, I will share with you, Dearest Addict, the real reason behind Bella's lack of obsession over Jacob....
Deep within the study of human biology we discover oxytocin, a hormone secreted by the pituitary gland that stimulates contraction of the uterus and milk production in pregnant and nursing women. It also is released during orgasm in BOTH sexes. Studies show that it is also released by ANYONE who holds a baby. It has been dubbed the "human bonding hormone, " and is largely responsible for the mother/child bonding right after labor and during breastfeeding, AND THE BONDING THAT OCCURS BETWEEN A WOMAN AND A MAN (OR WEREWOLF, OR VAMPIRE) DURING AND AFTER ORGASM.
Bella's obsession with Edward is nothing more than puppy love, as far as I can tell. She's not old enough, experienced enough, or self-aware enough to KNOW what true love is. Jacob's obsession with Bella is the same kind of "love:" in short, immature. But Jacob would so capture Bella's heart, or at least her devotion, easily and completely, if he would just bang her.
Why? Because women release more oxytocin during an orgasm than men release, which is one reason why more men than women can handle wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am sex and not bond to their partner as strongly as women do. Come on, all women reading this who have "known" men know this to be true. And what's worse is that the longer you've "known" someone, the more difficult it becomes, physically, to break the oxytocin addiction.
I don't think Ms. Meyer knew much about oxytocin when she wrote New Moon. Or maybe she knew but didn't care.
Anyway, scientifically, all Jacob needs to do to win Bella is to get into her pants, and then she'd bond to him more than sparkley Edward. And it would be an actual chemical bond to him, very much an addiction. Jacob would be her drug. And then Bella would be a Jacob junkie and then I could enable her addiction by my co-dependent nature!
Science rules.
Now it makes me wonder why a couple of my female relatives are so taken by Edward...maybe they "know" something I don't....Or maybe the theatres put Pitocin (brand name of synthetic oxytocin used to stimulate contractions) in their sodas or sprinkle it on the popcorn, so all movie-goers bond to Edward. Either way, they're total junkies.
That's OK. I'm here to enable, er, I mean, "help."
So leave work early and go see New Moon again. I'll cover for ya.
Q: Why didn't Bella fall for Jacob instead of Edward?
A: The author, Stephanie Meyer, didn't write that into the books.
Now that REALITY is out of the way, I will share with you, Dearest Addict, the real reason behind Bella's lack of obsession over Jacob....
Deep within the study of human biology we discover oxytocin, a hormone secreted by the pituitary gland that stimulates contraction of the uterus and milk production in pregnant and nursing women. It also is released during orgasm in BOTH sexes. Studies show that it is also released by ANYONE who holds a baby. It has been dubbed the "human bonding hormone, " and is largely responsible for the mother/child bonding right after labor and during breastfeeding, AND THE BONDING THAT OCCURS BETWEEN A WOMAN AND A MAN (OR WEREWOLF, OR VAMPIRE) DURING AND AFTER ORGASM.
Bella's obsession with Edward is nothing more than puppy love, as far as I can tell. She's not old enough, experienced enough, or self-aware enough to KNOW what true love is. Jacob's obsession with Bella is the same kind of "love:" in short, immature. But Jacob would so capture Bella's heart, or at least her devotion, easily and completely, if he would just bang her.
Why? Because women release more oxytocin during an orgasm than men release, which is one reason why more men than women can handle wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am sex and not bond to their partner as strongly as women do. Come on, all women reading this who have "known" men know this to be true. And what's worse is that the longer you've "known" someone, the more difficult it becomes, physically, to break the oxytocin addiction.
I don't think Ms. Meyer knew much about oxytocin when she wrote New Moon. Or maybe she knew but didn't care.
Anyway, scientifically, all Jacob needs to do to win Bella is to get into her pants, and then she'd bond to him more than sparkley Edward. And it would be an actual chemical bond to him, very much an addiction. Jacob would be her drug. And then Bella would be a Jacob junkie and then I could enable her addiction by my co-dependent nature!
Science rules.
Now it makes me wonder why a couple of my female relatives are so taken by Edward...maybe they "know" something I don't....Or maybe the theatres put Pitocin (brand name of synthetic oxytocin used to stimulate contractions) in their sodas or sprinkle it on the popcorn, so all movie-goers bond to Edward. Either way, they're total junkies.
That's OK. I'm here to enable, er, I mean, "help."
So leave work early and go see New Moon again. I'll cover for ya.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
SYMBIOTIC RELATIONSHIPS
I really don't want your addiction to Edward to end; that would shake my reality as an enabler to the core, and then where would I be?
A lost co-dependent with no one to enable, that's where. I might start handing out quarters to the bums at 36th and State, or running to the liquor store myself to buy them some Wild Turkey. That's not safe for me, nor will it help the poor drunks sober up. So, for my sake, as well as the sobriety of the transient population at 36th and State, please continue your addiction. It's best for us all.
Anyway, I wonder if you have seen New Moon more than once since its release last Friday? Repeating an addictive behavior over and over until it adversely affects your day-to-day life is paramount to continuing and increasing the power of your addiction.
So, I suggest you please go see it again (and again). I'll tell you that it's not good for you, of course, but I'll call your boss to cover for you if you go see the late showing and then fail to make it to work on time the next morning. I'll make excuses to those nearest and dearest to you, to cover your lack of attention to their needs. I'll even water your plants and take out the trash for you.
An addict needs an addiction. A co-dependent needs to enable the addict. Let's stick together.
A lost co-dependent with no one to enable, that's where. I might start handing out quarters to the bums at 36th and State, or running to the liquor store myself to buy them some Wild Turkey. That's not safe for me, nor will it help the poor drunks sober up. So, for my sake, as well as the sobriety of the transient population at 36th and State, please continue your addiction. It's best for us all.
Anyway, I wonder if you have seen New Moon more than once since its release last Friday? Repeating an addictive behavior over and over until it adversely affects your day-to-day life is paramount to continuing and increasing the power of your addiction.
So, I suggest you please go see it again (and again). I'll tell you that it's not good for you, of course, but I'll call your boss to cover for you if you go see the late showing and then fail to make it to work on time the next morning. I'll make excuses to those nearest and dearest to you, to cover your lack of attention to their needs. I'll even water your plants and take out the trash for you.
An addict needs an addiction. A co-dependent needs to enable the addict. Let's stick together.
Friday, November 20, 2009
NEW MOON SQUARED
For all Edwardian sleepy addicted types, I'm telling you to get up and call your sister in Boise, who so desires to hear about your film fest last night/this morning and I NEED to know the plot and all it's twisted, bloody, melodramatic components. My inner child is crying out...my spleen is swelling due to the tension! Out with it! Out out with the dam-med plot!
Ahem. A quick refresher English course, with thanks to Ms. Hughes from MHS.
1. The introduction of the story, characters, setting, basic plot, yada yada
2. The rising action
3. The climax (as in Fleance flew, from Macbeth, courtesy of Mrs. Chavez)
4. The denouement (look it up, it's French)
5. Fin (nothing fishy about this, it's French for The End).
Pick up the phone and CALL ME. I'll make you snacks!!! I'll serve them to you on a pretty tray....
By ignoring me, you're damaging my inner child....
CALL ME PLEASE!!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
'TIS THE SEASON
As you are well aware, there are only TWO more shopping days until New Moon release.
It behooves the recovering addict (or addict-in-denial) to bestow gifts of gratitude and peace on those she loves. Of course, one must purchase the same gift for herself, all in the name of recovery, mind you.
I'm thinking something like this:
It behooves the recovering addict (or addict-in-denial) to bestow gifts of gratitude and peace on those she loves. Of course, one must purchase the same gift for herself, all in the name of recovery, mind you.
I'm thinking something like this:
|
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
THE NEW EDWARDIAN ERA
So, I'm curious as to how many times during a typical day my readers think about Edward? One would suppose, given the intensity and depth of your addiction, that pervasive thoughts of dear Edward consume the majority of available brain synapses.
I daresay that you are not alone. An evening jaunt through your nearest bookstore will prove that countless others share your affliction: New Moon, Twilight, and Eclipse books, tote bags, and umbrellas displayed in all their darkish splendor on their own endcaps AND the books displayed in bloody stacks on the shelves too.
I wonder if this American Edwardian obsession has jumped the pond?
Perhaps it has:
I daresay that you are not alone. An evening jaunt through your nearest bookstore will prove that countless others share your affliction: New Moon, Twilight, and Eclipse books, tote bags, and umbrellas displayed in all their darkish splendor on their own endcaps AND the books displayed in bloody stacks on the shelves too.
I wonder if this American Edwardian obsession has jumped the pond?
Perhaps it has:
FIRST STEP TOWARDS SOBRIETY
As with any recovery program, the Edward addict must begin by seeking recovery one day at a time. For those afflicted, sometimes one day is too long. For my Seattle relatives severely afflicted with this disease, I suggest a smaller time frame to seek sobriety: ten minutes.
The beauty of ten minute sobriety lies in its accessibility: everyone can carry on a conversation with a coworker for ten minutes and NOT talk about Edward. Everyone can step onto a bus and locate a seat and pick up their phone to text their sponsor in ten minutes. Everyone can collect the day's mail, sort the junk from the bills, and recycle the paper in ten minutes without thinking about Edward (unless you just received a pencil drawing of Edward in the mail from your 11 year-old niece, in which case the pre-teen is only feeding your addiction, following in her co-dependent mother's footsteps).
This small but powerful ten-minute time frame holds the seeds of clean and sober living. Embrace it.
The beauty of ten minute sobriety lies in its accessibility: everyone can carry on a conversation with a coworker for ten minutes and NOT talk about Edward. Everyone can step onto a bus and locate a seat and pick up their phone to text their sponsor in ten minutes. Everyone can collect the day's mail, sort the junk from the bills, and recycle the paper in ten minutes without thinking about Edward (unless you just received a pencil drawing of Edward in the mail from your 11 year-old niece, in which case the pre-teen is only feeding your addiction, following in her co-dependent mother's footsteps).
This small but powerful ten-minute time frame holds the seeds of clean and sober living. Embrace it.
WELCOME ALL EDWARD FANS!
A hearty welcome to all my beyond-obsessed relatives! I have created this blog especially for you: a way for us to communicate about the object of your obsession, and for me to help you through the challenges of adressing your delusional preoccupation with a fictitional vampire with big hair.
Being a recovering co-dependent myself, I have little hope that you will overcome your addiction, but I will heartily attempt to aid in your recovery (while feeding--pardon the pun--my own co-dependent need to enable you).
So pull up a swooning sofa, kick off your shoes, and let's toast to a long and satisfying Edward addiction and non-recovery! Cheers!
Being a recovering co-dependent myself, I have little hope that you will overcome your addiction, but I will heartily attempt to aid in your recovery (while feeding--pardon the pun--my own co-dependent need to enable you).
So pull up a swooning sofa, kick off your shoes, and let's toast to a long and satisfying Edward addiction and non-recovery! Cheers!
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