HOW TO LOSE WOMEN AND INFLUENCE THE COURT SYSTEM

Edward Cullen has many characteristics that make him desireable to women of all ages.

However, I am not all ages. I am co-dependent. And as such, I feel inspired by a reader comment from yesterday's post to outline a few steps for teen-age boys who aspire to the foil of Edward Cullen's character (i.e. all the men I've dated and or loved up to this point).

TIPS FOR TEENAGE BOYS WHO WANT TO ATTRACT A DOORMAT

1. Brood and drink heavily.
2. Shave off your hair.
3. Don't make fart jokes in front of your Mom.
4. Fart.
5. Use the accent from whatever cultural heritage from which you hail. The more incomprehensible you are, the sexier.
6. Be a loner at home; sleep around outside the home.
7. Work on improving your inborn angst, especially by ignoring your lady's advances.
8. Get arrested. Any crime will do.
9. Stare into the mirror and tell yourself how studly you are.
10. Be polite to everyone except your lady.
11. Be respectful of your truck.
12. Be so dangerous that people with sense avoid you.
13. Pay very very very close attention to the wart on your hand.
14. Be very very interested in it.
15. Don't let anything distract you from clipping your toenails in the living room.
16. Wear torn jeans, a wife-beater shirt, and no deodorant.
17. Pee on the wall when you're drunk.
18. Be concerned about hiding your violence from your lady's family and friends. Stash your porn in your truck.
19. Abstain from sex with your wife.
20. Be protective of your mess. Punch holes in walls if necessary.

Oh Edward!!!!!