CHRISTMAS TO DO LIST FOR VAMPIRES

THE LITTLE MERMAID, MY GRAND-STUDENT, AND BABY NAMES

I just got a Christmas card from a former student. She was like the little sister I left back home when I moved to Hawaii to teach. She and I experienced Europe together in 1996 when I took a group of five students on a week-long tour. She was the funnest of the five.

We have fond memories of dancing around Paris doing the can-can, eating hot crepes au chocolat from a street vendor, watching the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, and flirting with assorted continental men (for me) and Irish boys (for her) at the top of the Eiffel tower.

Now she's a wife and mom. She has two sons and is expecting a baby in February, and, she tells me in her Christmas card, it's a girl!

"What the heck does this have to do with Twilight?" you ask.

To answer that, I have to tell you this: Do you remember when The Little Mermaid cartoon hit theatres? Within a few years, the girl name "Ariel" became popular among newborn mermaids, where only a few years before it had languished in obscurity.

If you have no children, may I ask if you've named any houseplants Ariel...?

Anyway, back to my student who's pregnant and what it has to do with Twilight.

She's naming her daughter Bella.

TWINKLE TWINKLE

It occurred to me that vampires don't need to wear eye shadow, due to the sparkly nature of their skin in the sunlight.

I have therefore surmised that I am not a vampire.

But I could be wrong.

SNIPS AND SNAILS REVISITED

It's only fair to my son to list the ways he is not like Edward, in case that girl from zoology class is reading this. Yes he memorized your phone number, and yes, he will call you again.

HOW TO BE A TRUE TEENAGE IDAHOAN

1. Laugh at and consider beating child beaters.
2. Cut your own hair. Have Mom trim around the ears.
3. Laugh when you fart.
4. Fart.
5. Speak like Puff Daddy because you are black by choice. Tell all your teachers that you are.
6. Feed your rabbit Dove chocolate and Twinkies. Eat the leftovers.
7. Talk about killing people, especially child beaters.
8. Open doors at restaurants for your family and little old ladies.
9. Stare into the tv while playing Halo and eating generic chicken soup straight from the can.
10. Be polite when asking Mom if she will drive you to the movie theater.
11. Be respectful of your brother's mental instability and make fun of him only when you're really mad at him.
12. Remind everyone close to you why you were admitted, twice, to psychiatric hospitals (homicidal ideations).
13. Pay very very very close attention to Star Wars.
14. Be very interested in it.
15. Don't let anything distract you except bugs and your sister's low-rider house cat.
16. Wear button-up shirts, khakis, and size 13 running shoes.
17. Wear a black fleece jacket so that your doting, motherly teachers will help you remove the cat hair with masking tape wound around their hands.
18. Grab the butcher knife and run outside at 1 a.m. when your Mom tells you she heard a noise.
19. Have a bunion.
20. Know how to fire a Glock 18 and do it with style.

HOW TO LOSE WOMEN AND INFLUENCE THE COURT SYSTEM

Edward Cullen has many characteristics that make him desireable to women of all ages.

However, I am not all ages. I am co-dependent. And as such, I feel inspired by a reader comment from yesterday's post to outline a few steps for teen-age boys who aspire to the foil of Edward Cullen's character (i.e. all the men I've dated and or loved up to this point).

TIPS FOR TEENAGE BOYS WHO WANT TO ATTRACT A DOORMAT

1. Brood and drink heavily.
2. Shave off your hair.
3. Don't make fart jokes in front of your Mom.
4. Fart.
5. Use the accent from whatever cultural heritage from which you hail. The more incomprehensible you are, the sexier.
6. Be a loner at home; sleep around outside the home.
7. Work on improving your inborn angst, especially by ignoring your lady's advances.
8. Get arrested. Any crime will do.
9. Stare into the mirror and tell yourself how studly you are.
10. Be polite to everyone except your lady.
11. Be respectful of your truck.
12. Be so dangerous that people with sense avoid you.
13. Pay very very very close attention to the wart on your hand.
14. Be very very interested in it.
15. Don't let anything distract you from clipping your toenails in the living room.
16. Wear torn jeans, a wife-beater shirt, and no deodorant.
17. Pee on the wall when you're drunk.
18. Be concerned about hiding your violence from your lady's family and friends. Stash your porn in your truck.
19. Abstain from sex with your wife.
20. Be protective of your mess. Punch holes in walls if necessary.

Oh Edward!!!!!

SNIPS AND SNAILS...

My oldest son and I were having a discussion on Edward Cullen's qualities, which I KNOW my readers will appreciate. I sadly have little appreciation for that, uh, level of studliness, having come of age in an era between Wham! and Bel Biv Devoe. But back to my son....

Like all teen-age boys who are not vampires, my son has a self-image as fragile as the skin that lies between Edward's fangs and his Most Desired's aorta. To think that there are millions of Edward fans out there drooling over that pale and tragic vampire, while my son sits at home alone on most evening finally got to him. "I don't know what they see in him! He's...gross!"

"Well, you're not a teen-age girl, and a lot of them really like his looks." I responded

Poor kid stood their silent for a brief second, and finally, in an attempt to preserve his own self-image and with the competitive spirit indwelling all males of our species, my oldest son sputtered, "I've got a bunion. I bet HE doesn't have one."

No indeed, he does not.