SNIPS AND SNAILS REVISITED

It's only fair to my son to list the ways he is not like Edward, in case that girl from zoology class is reading this. Yes he memorized your phone number, and yes, he will call you again.

HOW TO BE A TRUE TEENAGE IDAHOAN

1. Laugh at and consider beating child beaters.
2. Cut your own hair. Have Mom trim around the ears.
3. Laugh when you fart.
4. Fart.
5. Speak like Puff Daddy because you are black by choice. Tell all your teachers that you are.
6. Feed your rabbit Dove chocolate and Twinkies. Eat the leftovers.
7. Talk about killing people, especially child beaters.
8. Open doors at restaurants for your family and little old ladies.
9. Stare into the tv while playing Halo and eating generic chicken soup straight from the can.
10. Be polite when asking Mom if she will drive you to the movie theater.
11. Be respectful of your brother's mental instability and make fun of him only when you're really mad at him.
12. Remind everyone close to you why you were admitted, twice, to psychiatric hospitals (homicidal ideations).
13. Pay very very very close attention to Star Wars.
14. Be very interested in it.
15. Don't let anything distract you except bugs and your sister's low-rider house cat.
16. Wear button-up shirts, khakis, and size 13 running shoes.
17. Wear a black fleece jacket so that your doting, motherly teachers will help you remove the cat hair with masking tape wound around their hands.
18. Grab the butcher knife and run outside at 1 a.m. when your Mom tells you she heard a noise.
19. Have a bunion.
20. Know how to fire a Glock 18 and do it with style.